I didn't write the posts over the last few days about moaning and grumping that one of Mom's legs was all swollen up (I think because I was lying her flat at night to guard against contractures), and I didn't write about that I thought that there looked like there might be a soft spot starting on her backside that could turn into a full-fledged bedsore (again probably because I was laying her flat at night to guard against contractures).
I also didn't write the posts over the last few days where she flat refused to get out of bed and was generally grumpy and upset. I didn't write about how Jeanie was right and that the glow would wear off, and Mommy would become used to me and then she wouldn't do what I asked so easily.
Somehow, Mommy knows - somewhere deep down - who the person is who is caring for her on a daily basis and she behaves WAY, way, WAY, better for others. Jeanie, of course, noted this - you can't help but note it if you are the person who she lets herself be grumpy at and you are not the person who she is on her best behavior for. And, like the amazing and kind sister that she is, Jeanie warned me about it. And, I took her warning to heart. However, believing something will happen and experiencing it are two different things, and my heart has broken as Mommy has become more comfortable with me and so fusses at me more when I try to help her.
If I get fussed at, I cry. As I've told you all before, I've got to grow up, a 47 year old woman can't burst into tears because somebody tells her she is doing it all wrong or that she is driving them crazy. You've got to grow up sometime, and my time must be now.
In addition to all that, I didn't write that I had some kind of bug that gave me an earache and made me sleepy, and I wasn't in the best spirits myself.
Nobody really wants to write about the failures and the discouragements, at least I don't. But, I suppose that I should get used to it because there is going to be a lot of discouragement as this horrible disease steals more and more of our mother from us.
However, as I'm about to write, not everything over the last few days was bad.
I am SO sorry that the newness has worn off!! I understand COMPLETELY what you are going through right now and my heart aches for you. I too burst into tears. It does not matter how old you are, mean words still hurt. I had to keep reminding myself. Over and over and over. This is not our mom talking, it is the illness that is making her say those things. And you know because you told me that mom said something to you one day, and please forgive me if I don't remember exactly. But she did say she thanked you or something AND remembered who you were too! If she could, I believe she would thank you every day and confirm her love too! She DOES love you, and I know she appreciates all you do, even though this awful sickness keeps her from saying so and even makes her say mean and awful things that hurt you. I wish I could hug you. I wish I could help you. I have a confession to make. There were many times when I hurt and felt badly and never told you or Pete or Marjie cause I did not want to be a complainer. I am asking you to please not do that. You need to talk, or vent, or whatever, PLEASE call ANYTIME, day or night. I am used to be woken up in he night. :) Ten children (and one wonderful mom) have gotten me used to broken sleep, and I would not mind AT ALL being woken if you need to talk. You have my number and we all love you and want to help you through this. She's our mom and our responsibility too. Don't feel like you have to go it alone. Love you SO much!!!
ReplyDeleteOh yeah " 47 year old woman can't burst into tears because somebody tells her she is doing it all wrong or that she is driving them crazy. ". Sure she can! I know of a 44 year old woman who does that too! ;)
ReplyDeleteBTW, if my calculations are correct, you are not 47 yet anyway! LOL
ReplyDeleteJeanie,
ReplyDelete:-) I must feel 47 :-)
Thank you. I don't want to be a complainer either. It shows a weak spirit, I think, but I am weak, and I can't take the mean alone. I'm so glad that I have you guys to lean on, and I wish that I could have been there better for you. I didn't really understand what you were going through. I love you so much.
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ReplyDeleteBroken Heart