the price of good days

Yesterday, her body was stronger and she was more alert than she had been since she'd come here.  But, this has a downside, and Jeanie had warned me about this.  She said that when Mom is more "with it" she's ornery.  And, it's true. Pray for me that I don't react to her frustration and anger with frustration or anger.  Yesterday, was good.  I didn't get upset - either feeling sorry for myself when she fussed at me or getting grumpy at her, but it was a growing-up experience.  When she first came here, and I cried because she told me I was doing everything wrong, I joked with one of you on the phone (I don't remember which of you) that I'm forty-six years old, it's about time I grew up and stopped getting my feelings hurt by every little thing.  Well, yesterday I didn't get my feelings hurt, but it was a struggle.

Later, after Mom was in bed, Amanda and I were talking about how Mom must feel - especially when the disease isn't gripping her brain so tightly.  Jeanie also told me to try to put myself into her position - even literally.  Jeanie told about once when Mom was fascinated all day long by a magazine picture how Jeanie stooped down to position her head in as close to the same place as Mom's and to look at what Mom was seeing.  Jeanie said that from that angle, she could see that the picture of the house in the magazine looked a lot like the Jeanie's house.  And Mom spent a lot of time outside in the sunshine there, so she was probably liking looking at a home that was familiar.  So, from that advice, I'm trying to see things from Mom's point of view.

I think that when the disease loosens it's grip, for whatever reason, she knows more that it's there.  For instance, she fingered one of her pull-ups yesterday and said:  "I hate these things.  They make you know something's wrong with you."

I learned that every day will be different and that what worked one day may not work the next.  Last night, we thought that we would play Sporcle quizzes again in the kitchen and repeat the night before.  Nope.  She did not like them.  She also didn't like having "Little House" read aloud.  She didn't like almost anything we did.  What she wanted, I think, was to be free to think clearly again and to walk again.  These are things we can't help her with - no matter how much we wish we could.

Amanda finally hit on something that made Mom's eyes glow.  Amanda read poetry and sang some of it (The Highwayman).

I think that if we can make a few hours of eyes glowing with happiness every day, that day is a success, and thanks to Amanda, we managed that, after a lot of trial and error, yesterday.